Boring and Unoriginal

I do feel awkward in life. I feel like I haven't gotten to where I want to be. When I just state the facts I have...I have a wonderful husband, three very good & healthy children. I don't own a home which makes me sad. I don't look the way I want to look. I am still very very quick to anger. I am full of impatience.

I do love my husband and kids and friends.
I do think I supply a comfortable home for them.

BUT

I am not at peace.
I am not the person I thought I would be.
I need to work on these things and of course they are the hardest to change.

BUT

People do change if they work at it.

I am still feeling sorry for myself - yes, some of it is cyclical. The good thing is my house is tidy and tomorrow I am going to flake out and indulge my lazy self. I think I am going to take my wee little son up to Starbucks and we are going to have a lovely sugary drink with a lovely sugary snack. I am going to mail a birthday card and buy some yummy Asian stir fry stuff to eat with dinner and then I am going to come home and FLAKE out and watch all my hard work today turn to mess. God, I hate housework. Really hate housework.

I wish that there was a little something about me that set me apart in a significant way OR that I had at least one original thought. I listened to a podcast today and the woman who was speaking was saying exactly what I would like to say. She is doing what I would like to do, being who I would like to be. I feel about as original as a one dollar bill or coin as the case may be. This is really bothering me today. I thought that at least my thoughts were mine but it seems like I share a lot of thinking with this lady who did the podcast. gah.

Just an update on meeting the new friends... It went well. My insecurity showed a little when I was a bit condescending a couple of times. I tried very hard not to be when I noticed that I was. She is a very good artist and very confident person. She seems really nice. I think she felt put on the spot a bit which didn't help that I was a bit condescending. I think she didn't mind our little group but I also think she felt a wee bit left out - not entirely excluded but on the fringes.

An update on the losing weight...I think I am dooming myself to be fat. Yay Me!

I actually forgot about this little dreamwidth account. I think I am going to use it to be all emo and cranky and angry and angsty and pitiful more often. I am needing an outlet in the worst way right now. Ha! I am glad I finally remembered. I think the name and the icons are perfect. How brilliant am I for thinking this all up? Very very Brilliant.

I am wearingly dull or perhaps it is wearyingly dull. OH...that isn't spell checked so I obviously am not a great speller. OH RATS! Oh well. Though it is going to bother me so I might end up changing my name.

I am a chubby, glasses wearing brunette, in her mid thirties woman who has a lovely family (three kids & a very nice husband) with many supportive friends and family. I do find in my life that I do not have the outlet to complain...I do but in a very mildish way. I am great at supporting people, encouraging people, helping people. I am a community builder and so there are only a very few people I do whine and complain to and that isn't often and sometimes I don't feel heard or validated because people tend to put people in a box and if I am a Helper how could I need Helping? Or if I do need Helping how can I Help others? See sad mess.

Funny thing is I don't even care that I don't have readers...what is that all about? For my two other blogs I do care. I like being read. This one I don't. I wonder why I just don't write this on paper instead of this silly live journal like website? Who knows? I am a bit of a flasher I guess.

I am grateful for my family & friends. I live a very blessed life. It won't always sound like I am grateful but really I am.