wearingly_dull: (queen)
( May. 5th, 2010 12:19 am)
I never thought I would be using this little journal to brag about myself but this place has become a place where I can just say whatever I am thinking about myself whether it is good or bad. Whining or Bragging.

I am good at showing up for the most part. I have showed up for a friend even though I would have rather not. Sometimes building a community means not getting to do what I really want to do. I visited someone in the hospital even though I had already done my 'part'.

I make good food and I am open.
Really, how did I become this chubby middle age brunette?

I need to dress up tomorrow and make myself feel beautiful so that I am not so bitter. I feel very unattractive. I feel like no man would look on me and think OH YES! I look like a mommy which isn't that bad of a thing but I want to feel attractive even if really there is no chance of an OH YES! Because even in my salad days I was never an OH YES! I was more of a "Oh, that is nice."

Tomorrow I am doing my hair, putting on my favourite clothes and just be attractive.
I haven't done anything about my weight and I am still way chubbier than I would like to be. I am bigger than ever but I have been bigger than ever for the last pounds. I should be doing something about it because I am beginning to not to recognize myself. I am more than a chubby version of myself I am becoming someone I don't even recognize. I need to do something about it. I just don't know what. Okay, I do know what...Diet and Exercise. BUT (yeah, like you didn't know that was coming) it is SO not a priority. When I have free time and I don't have that much free time with three kids and one is still at home, I would rather read, knit, blog, email, write letters, watch TV than exercise. I have a friend who has really gotten into working out and she keeps saying, "If I can do it so can you." If I could I would. I know that is what all us fatties say. But really I am just not interested in working out - I wish I was but I am not. But I have to do something. I do not want to be this fat. I want to look like myself and not some unrecognizable fatty. So next week I am going to do something.
It's the Easter weekend and some of my family is in town to celebrate with us which is usually pretty awesome...busy and stressful but awesome. BUT so far this week I have had one kid puke, two kids with ear infections one whose eardrum burst. I have been up two nights in a row and just feel so done. THEN my sister and her two kids come which is great but an hour and a half from when she got here she and Mom leave to pick up some groceries. My sister says, "Why are you coming Mom? That means we leave Mary with all the kids." My Mom mumbles, "Who cares - whatever."

This breaks my heart. I die a little bit. I know her attitude...It's - As long as it isn't me. See all I really am good for is babysitting, making them dinner (well not my sister's children because she told me that her kids wouldn't eat what I make - which was homemade vegetarian soup), buy all the eggs and egg dyeing stuff, organize Easter dinner, egg hunt and everything in between. There is nothing like family to make you feel kinda wretched.

Oh well the Eggs are done. Tomorrow hopefully my kiddos will be feeling better. I hope.
wearingly_dull: (Default)
( Mar. 16th, 2010 11:34 pm)
I had that said to me this last weekend. I was sitting at the beach knitting while my children and their friends played and a long came a friend, sat down beside me and said, "I was planning on doing errands today but I thought to myself, I am going to be boring with you." Yep, if I needed any validation on my boringness I got it right then and there. What can I say? I am a SAHM with three kids. I like boring hobbies like knitting and reading. I am not flashy. I am practical and stable. I don't enjoy trying new things (though I do) so that makes me uninteresting. BUT...

I am a good listener.
I will make you a good plain meal.
I will bake you chocolate chip cookies (from the recipe on the back of the Chipits bag).
I will send you a letter.
I will go to your concerts/plays/birthday parties.

I might be rather boring but I am a good friend - someone for the most part you can rely on.
wearingly_dull: (awkward)
( Mar. 9th, 2010 06:21 pm)
I do feel awkward in life. I feel like I haven't gotten to where I want to be. When I just state the facts I have...I have a wonderful husband, three very good & healthy children. I don't own a home which makes me sad. I don't look the way I want to look. I am still very very quick to anger. I am full of impatience.

I do love my husband and kids and friends.
I do think I supply a comfortable home for them.


I am not at peace.
I am not the person I thought I would be.
I need to work on these things and of course they are the hardest to change.


People do change if they work at it.
I am still feeling like I was on the 14th. I am not entirely sure why. It is not like my life is all that hard. I am just feeling a little weary and would like some support and encouragement. I am a wee bit tired of being the encourager.
wearingly_dull: (not amused)
( Feb. 15th, 2010 07:56 pm)
I am still feeling sorry for myself - yes, some of it is cyclical. The good thing is my house is tidy and tomorrow I am going to flake out and indulge my lazy self. I think I am going to take my wee little son up to Starbucks and we are going to have a lovely sugary drink with a lovely sugary snack. I am going to mail a birthday card and buy some yummy Asian stir fry stuff to eat with dinner and then I am going to come home and FLAKE out and watch all my hard work today turn to mess. God, I hate housework. Really hate housework.
wearingly_dull: (oh?)
( Feb. 14th, 2010 05:01 pm)
I really really need a hug right now. Just someone who wants to take care of me and protect me. I am feeling very tapped out emotionally, physically, and mentally. I don't want to be the hostess anymore I just want someone else to take care of everything for a little while.

I am tired.
wearingly_dull: (not amused)
( Feb. 11th, 2010 10:07 am)
I am so tired. One of my kids is sick and it is stressing me out. It is an embarrassing malady and I am very stressed about it which is causing me to lose a lot of sleep which is making me sick. I feel really fuzzy and rotten right now. I just wish I would sleep. I know if I got some serious ZZZzzz I would be okay.

I have been reading my blogroll and feeling very inadequate. I feel like I can't even be good at blogging. I feel old, fat, tired and just plain ugly. I feel like I can't bring any beauty into my life. I am not at all a beauty bringer. This depresses me sorely.
I wish that there was a little something about me that set me apart in a significant way OR that I had at least one original thought. I listened to a podcast today and the woman who was speaking was saying exactly what I would like to say. She is doing what I would like to do, being who I would like to be. I feel about as original as a one dollar bill or coin as the case may be. This is really bothering me today. I thought that at least my thoughts were mine but it seems like I share a lot of thinking with this lady who did the podcast. gah.

Just an update on meeting the new friends... It went well. My insecurity showed a little when I was a bit condescending a couple of times. I tried very hard not to be when I noticed that I was. She is a very good artist and very confident person. She seems really nice. I think she felt put on the spot a bit which didn't help that I was a bit condescending. I think she didn't mind our little group but I also think she felt a wee bit left out - not entirely excluded but on the fringes.

An update on the losing weight...I think I am dooming myself to be fat. Yay Me!
There is this new couple who is entering our little circle of friends. They are in the same business as we are and our two closest couple friends. And DAMN she is an artist. This frustrates me. WHY? Because the other two are artists too (one much better than the other) and now I have three friends who are all arty farty and then there is ME. I am not arty farty. I knit. Yep. I know that is a bit crafty but I am not an artist and it makes me feel a little insecure when I have all these arty friends. You know the difference between homemade and handmade...I am definitely the homemade looking type of person.

One friend is an incredible artist, calligrapher, singer, and choir conductor. The other is more of a dabbler in both art and singing. This new friend is not a dabbler and is quite a good artist. This really sucks for me.

wearingly_dull: (regret)
( Feb. 1st, 2010 08:08 am)
Like I mentioned in the previous post I am chubby. I haven't weighed myself since last summer but then I was 165 lbs which makes me quite chubby at 5'4". The weight isn't disgusting but it definitely is not attractive either. So I am going to start to do something about it. Again like I said in my previous post I am in my mid thirties...closer to 40 than 30 and I want to be thinner by my 40th birthday. So I am going to try and lose a pound a week...4 pounds a month and keep it off. So I am going to take a step out of an article I read and focus on THREE things to work on this week.

1. Exercise in the morning. Right now just going to focus on sit ups and leg lifts.
2. No tea in the morning. I love tea with sugar and milk. This is going to be my most difficult.
3. No Food after 8pm. This is left over from my Oprah watching days almost 9 years ago. I do snack a lot while watching TV or surfing the internet.
I actually forgot about this little dreamwidth account. I think I am going to use it to be all emo and cranky and angry and angsty and pitiful more often. I am needing an outlet in the worst way right now. Ha! I am glad I finally remembered. I think the name and the icons are perfect. How brilliant am I for thinking this all up? Very very Brilliant.

I am wearingly dull or perhaps it is wearyingly dull. OH...that isn't spell checked so I obviously am not a great speller. OH RATS! Oh well. Though it is going to bother me so I might end up changing my name.

I am a chubby, glasses wearing brunette, in her mid thirties woman who has a lovely family (three kids & a very nice husband) with many supportive friends and family. I do find in my life that I do not have the outlet to complain...I do but in a very mildish way. I am great at supporting people, encouraging people, helping people. I am a community builder and so there are only a very few people I do whine and complain to and that isn't often and sometimes I don't feel heard or validated because people tend to put people in a box and if I am a Helper how could I need Helping? Or if I do need Helping how can I Help others? See sad mess.

Funny thing is I don't even care that I don't have readers...what is that all about? For my two other blogs I do care. I like being read. This one I don't. I wonder why I just don't write this on paper instead of this silly live journal like website? Who knows? I am a bit of a flasher I guess.

I am grateful for my family & friends. I live a very blessed life. It won't always sound like I am grateful but really I am.
My Mom and I are the only ones not in the wedding party and we got stuck with looking after the kids that aren't in the wedding party during the wedding itself. Orthodox weddings are not short and all the kids are 6,5,4,3,2. I have become my Mother. I know I should be grateful because I love my Mom but yep, child care and food, that is all I am good for.

How did I become this person? I know I am not entirely this person but how did I come to be perceived as this person? How did in the minds of my siblings I have become relegated as an old woman with no thoughts but to look after kids?
You know, friendship is hard work. This week and last week I have had two annoying experiences with long time friends. One out and out made fun of my hobby and didn't want to hang around when I wanted to share some other friends with her and something that meant a lot to me. The other made me feel rotten for getting her to watch my kids one morning even though I have watched her kids tons of times and when I asked her she was all positive about it but then I saw her semi complaining about it on facebook and if it wasn't complaining it was look at me who does this wonderful thing for my friend. It just irks the heck out of me and it hurts my feelings.

Also I hold a weekly Stitch & Bitch and lately no one has been coming. What is that about? Do I make people uncomfortable?

I think perhaps I am becoming more selfish. I used to think I was a really good friend and really good at friendships but lately I don't feel that way. Maybe I am spreading myself too thin, maybe I am feeling this way because I have too many friends and can't 'be there' for all of them. I don't know but I feel pretty hurt.

I have had two good friend experiences lately too. We were able to be there for some friends and they were appreciative and I had a very good time with my BFF the other day.
The truth is I am jealous. I figured that out all by myself this week. Aren't you proud of me?

No one ever calls me cool. I am too responsible and up tight to be called cool.

I have a good friend who is absolutely cool and I am honestly ashamed to say I am extremely jealous. I sometimes go over in my head all the things I think I am better at than she is just to make myself feel better but even if my kids are better behaved her naughty kids make her cooler. My home is cleaner than hers but really, her messy house is full of cool things.

My husband says real coolness is just being who you are and not caring what others think....Yeah, I am pretty boring and even if I am not caring what others think (yes, there have been moments) I am still pretty boring. What is it about me that likes boring things? Seriously, when I stumble across a blog of a similar SAHM with similar interests or whatever and I find it so BORING! I think to myself how boring can that woman be and then I see myself and think exactly the same thing.

I do not seem to generate interesting interests. I don't seem to think of fresh ideas. I guess I like my ruts and though I adapt well I don't really like change. How do I change that to become more interesting? Can I change that part of my personality? Do I really want to or do I like being boring and love to complain? (Complaining really is the pinnacle of being boring)

This is my struggle...being resentful & jealous of my very interesting friend because I am very boring and unoriginal.