Really, how did I become this chubby middle age brunette?

I need to dress up tomorrow and make myself feel beautiful so that I am not so bitter. I feel very unattractive. I feel like no man would look on me and think OH YES! I look like a mommy which isn't that bad of a thing but I want to feel attractive even if really there is no chance of an OH YES! Because even in my salad days I was never an OH YES! I was more of a "Oh, that is nice."

Tomorrow I am doing my hair, putting on my favourite clothes and just be attractive.
I haven't done anything about my weight and I am still way chubbier than I would like to be. I am bigger than ever but I have been bigger than ever for the last pounds. I should be doing something about it because I am beginning to not to recognize myself. I am more than a chubby version of myself I am becoming someone I don't even recognize. I need to do something about it. I just don't know what. Okay, I do know what...Diet and Exercise. BUT (yeah, like you didn't know that was coming) it is SO not a priority. When I have free time and I don't have that much free time with three kids and one is still at home, I would rather read, knit, blog, email, write letters, watch TV than exercise. I have a friend who has really gotten into working out and she keeps saying, "If I can do it so can you." If I could I would. I know that is what all us fatties say. But really I am just not interested in working out - I wish I was but I am not. But I have to do something. I do not want to be this fat. I want to look like myself and not some unrecognizable fatty. So next week I am going to do something.
wearingly_dull: (awkward)
( Mar. 9th, 2010 06:21 pm)
I do feel awkward in life. I feel like I haven't gotten to where I want to be. When I just state the facts I have...I have a wonderful husband, three very good & healthy children. I don't own a home which makes me sad. I don't look the way I want to look. I am still very very quick to anger. I am full of impatience.

I do love my husband and kids and friends.
I do think I supply a comfortable home for them.

BUT

I am not at peace.
I am not the person I thought I would be.
I need to work on these things and of course they are the hardest to change.

BUT

People do change if they work at it.
I wish that there was a little something about me that set me apart in a significant way OR that I had at least one original thought. I listened to a podcast today and the woman who was speaking was saying exactly what I would like to say. She is doing what I would like to do, being who I would like to be. I feel about as original as a one dollar bill or coin as the case may be. This is really bothering me today. I thought that at least my thoughts were mine but it seems like I share a lot of thinking with this lady who did the podcast. gah.

Just an update on meeting the new friends... It went well. My insecurity showed a little when I was a bit condescending a couple of times. I tried very hard not to be when I noticed that I was. She is a very good artist and very confident person. She seems really nice. I think she felt put on the spot a bit which didn't help that I was a bit condescending. I think she didn't mind our little group but I also think she felt a wee bit left out - not entirely excluded but on the fringes.

An update on the losing weight...I think I am dooming myself to be fat. Yay Me!
wearingly_dull: (regret)
( Feb. 1st, 2010 08:08 am)
Like I mentioned in the previous post I am chubby. I haven't weighed myself since last summer but then I was 165 lbs which makes me quite chubby at 5'4". The weight isn't disgusting but it definitely is not attractive either. So I am going to start to do something about it. Again like I said in my previous post I am in my mid thirties...closer to 40 than 30 and I want to be thinner by my 40th birthday. So I am going to try and lose a pound a week...4 pounds a month and keep it off. So I am going to take a step out of an article I read and focus on THREE things to work on this week.

1. Exercise in the morning. Right now just going to focus on sit ups and leg lifts.
2. No tea in the morning. I love tea with sugar and milk. This is going to be my most difficult.
3. No Food after 8pm. This is left over from my Oprah watching days almost 9 years ago. I do snack a lot while watching TV or surfing the internet.
.

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